Goodnight Kiss and
Scene Stealer Music
HOW TO SING THE BLUES ... A PRIMER
1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues. Unless you
stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the
meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman with the
meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues is not about choice. "You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a
ditch--ain't no way out."
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs, and broken-down trucks. Blues
don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. Most Blues transportation is a
Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored
motorpools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the
Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults
sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the
electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place
in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical
depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places
to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place where it don't
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male
pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the
blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting
is wrong. Go outside to the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
11. Bad places for the Blues:
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen
to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund
14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger
Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also
got a leg up on the blues.
15. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the
Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee
16. The following are NOT Blues beverages:
d. Slim Fast
17. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die.
So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down
18. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or
while getting liposuction.
19. Some Blues names for women:
b. Big Mama
d. Fat River Dumpling
20. Some Blues names for men:
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
21. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't
sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
22. Make your own Blues Name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc .)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi
Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
23. It don't matter how tragic your life is: If you own a computer and a
cell phone, you cannot sing the Blues.
If we ever find the author of this, we'll credit them here. VERY good work, and thanks to Paul Scull, one of our subscribers, for sending it in for all of us. Since I'm from Kansas City, I KNOW this list to be TRUE! ;)